Even from a young age, I’ve always had this distinct feeling, a feeling that I didn’t ‘fit’, like I didn’t belong. No matter where I went or what I did, how much weight I lost, how ‘well’ I was doing on the surface with work or achievements or how well others perceived I was doing.

Deep down there was a darkness, a darkness that was so deep it seemed to consume every part of my being. This feeling I had lived with for most of my life, was eventually diagnosed as depression at the age of 22.

I’m not sure if giving it a title made it easier. I still didn’t understand how I could have so much yet feel so little. I felt utterly hopeless. I would envision this long road ahead each day which seemed to never end. It felt overwhelming, I was lost and couldn’t face the future. My future, as my unwell mind led me to believe, was not worth living. Even though I was young, physically fit and healthy, still my mind was plagued with such dark thoughts. I just wanted it all to end, I didn’t know what else to do, I was desperate and didn’t have any energy left.

I am lucky that I am here now to tell my story. I am a survivor of a suicide attempt. I want to tell my story to give others the hope that in my darkness, I had lost, a hope that with the right support, things absolutely can change. It’s not easy and you do need to reach out at times but that is ok. I thought I was weak at first but I have since found that strength comes from getting back up, no matter how many times you are knocked down.

I am so grateful for finding Future Living when I did, without this amazing charity, I am not sure I’d be here today. I found them at a time when I had once again reached an extreme low. They were the beacon of light that gave me hope and taught me that my future really is worth living.

Anon

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide you can call Samaritans on 116 123 or if you are in immediate danger of harm dial 999.